That cat looks scared. And a cat should not be eating spaghetti.

I've had the good fortune of knowing of Nerf Herder, and in turn Parry Gripp, for several years now thanks to WSBU including the song "Sorry" in their regular rotation. I was reintroduced to Parry Gripp's music my senior year of college when somebody in my class made a music video to one of his jingles on his album "For Those About to Shop, We Salute You".

Well it seems Parry is still making jingles, but now he's taking aim at Youtube fads. On that note, I give you a few of the finer selections after the jump.

"Anybody who can blast his friend in the face and get him to take the rap for it is my kind of citizen!"

Tomorrow marks a sad day: the series finale of Boston Legal. I've got to admit that I've come on late in the game on watching the show, but I've grown to love it rather quickly. The writing is simultaneously poignant and irrelevant. A show that can masterfully weave topics such as gun control, euthanasia, and every other issue of controversy you can think of into a series that features characters like Denny Crane who suffers from Mad Cow and likes to shoot bad guys deserves to stay on the air for as long as it wishes.

I’d Really Like to See…Dirty Harry 6

This originally appeared as part of Zoom In Online's weekly "I'd Really Like to See..." blog series.

Considering this is my first contribution to Zoom In, I realize this is a bold statement to make. After all, not a lot of people have been very keen on old timers revisiting signature roles from their prime, including Schwarzenegger reprising the T-800 and Stallone coming back to Rocky and Rambo. Even though he has a couple decades on both of them, Clint Eastwood is an entirely different story. In fact, when Gran Torino was announced and rumored to be a new Dirty Harry film, I thought it would be great. Of course, Eastwood immediately shot those rumors down, saying, “Dirty Harry would not be in the police department at my age.”

Catch phrases: they won't stop coming (that's what she said)

Yesterday's NY Post had an article talking about the lost art of the television show catch phrase. While the analysis does have a few good points, I beg to differ on this matter. Sure, we don't exactly have many characters worth making a talking plush doll out of (see: Bart Simpson, Urkel), but while we hear less of "eat my shorts," there's still plenty of Family Guy's "Giggity giggity" to go around and annoy the shit out of me.

For example, had this author ever seen The Office? Because if they had, they would know exactly where I'm coming from with the title of this article. Even if they haven't, it's not like you need to see a TV show to recognize a catchphrase. I've never seen a single episode of Entourage, but I get where "Hug it out, bitch" comes from.

Don't jerk me around, Ron Howard

When internet sites like Ain't It Cool News post rumors about movies that are coming out, that's one thing. Often times, you can tell when it's a lie. For example, I remember a fake script review that AICN posted for Star Wars: Episode III which had young Lando and Han Solo, and an appearance from Lando's father aptly named... Grando Calrissian.

But what happens when people you should trust start spreading such vicious and/or misleading rumors? More often than not, I get my hopes up for nothing. A prime example in recent years has emerged whenever Dan Aykroyd would be interviewed about anything and then he would talk about his latest draft for a Ghostbusters 3 script. First there was the Ben Stiller film, then there was the talk of Ghostbusters: Hellbent with Peter Venkman as a ghost in the film, then the CG movie, and now the legitimate one that they ran a story about in Variety. Still, it took years of lip service to get to that point, and I'm still skeptical that it will happen until they announce a production start date.

Somewhere else... Doomsday is coming!

Doomsday is a pretty lame villain (one of many in Superman's rogues gallery) - just a random big, strong enemy for Superman to punch the crap out of. And he has shards of bone sticking out of his body. And he hit Supergirl so hard she turned into goo!

The only time I ever remotely cared about Doomsday is when Grant Morrison was in All-Star Superman when Jimmy Olsen turned into it, although Death of Superman is a decent story for one of those 'big Superman and a bad guy brawling' type of stories. Anyway, Smallville is a pretty lame show - always twisting the Superman mythos in awful ways. But at last -- the two are together as one! The Pefrect Storm!

Now surely, I did not watch the Doomsday episode of Smallville, but I did happen to find this commercial. Now, is it me or does Doomsday look more like Lord Zed from Power Rangers?

Clint Eastwood Fingerbangs Chinese Gang

Recently the trailer for Clint's other new movie Gran Torino was released. I do realize there is a lot of Oscar buzz for this one, but I don't get that from this. It's bound to be good, but a lot of this stuff seems way more comical to me. Must be it's only me, because nobody else aside from my friend Colleen was laughing when it played before Changeling. How can you not though? The excessive finger guns, all that tobacco spit, and especially the Batman voice. (And people think I'm crazy when I say that I'd like to see Clint star in and direct an adaptation of The Dark Knight Returns!)

From this trailer, the film looks a bit silly, but I'm sure it'll surpass that in the end. You know, because it's Clint. But still, he's done some silly-ish things, so let's reflect after the jump, shall we?

Um, did Superman and Lois just uh.....

Wednesday is probably the most notable day in my week because it's when comic books come out. Today I was reading Superman #679, and DC has been giving me high hopes for this new writer on the book because he's apparently been working closely with Man-god Geoff Johns, but there was something strange a-brewing in the latest issue.

Usually it's hard to avoid looking at a splash page or a half page panel before getting the whole picture. This is one instance where it was particularly gross. The last panel of the second page was this, and again, since the panel is so big this is the only thing I saw:

So I see that image and my inner monologue voice changes to that of Stan Hooper, a character Norm MacDonald plays on his comedy album who works at the Daily Planet in a sketch. Stan Hooper is in my head saying, "So.. those are some nice underwear you've got there, Lois."

But something more is amiss here....

"I'm Wilford Brimley. I love my flowers."

Today I was walking down Bleecker Street when some fellow walked past me with an amusing shirt featuring an illustration of Wilford Brimley that simply read "Diabeetus." And yes, it made me laugh, but my friends and I were laughing at Wilford Brimley long before that. See, back in the day we'd sit around watching Viva Variety and await commercials with Mr. Brimley selling a gardening tool called the Leverage Digger, proclaiming "Hi folks. I'm Wilford Brimley. I love m'flowers." Dick Clark was in another one that was pretty good where he sold Isis Cellular Phones, harkening "Pick up the phone, America -- it's for you!" And of course I can't forget the infomercials of crazy-ass Jay Kordich (pictured above with his woman) and his Juiceman Juicers, which promised immortality. They never explicitly proimsed eternal life, but given that Kordich, the Juiceman's inventer, is probably old enough to have surfed in the killer waves that resulted in Moses parting the Red Sea, I've always been under that impression.

Anyway, all this reminiscing made me have an epiphany: "My friends and I are ten years more advanced than the rest of the world."

I don't envy this kid very much

My friend Heather recently put an amusing screen cap on her blog of a crazy looking kid from a Kidz Bop video (which you may take a look at here), and it made me think of some of these people who I'd be really embarrassed to be if I happened to get caught in a funny-looking position on a national level program. Remember that girl in the audience who cried through an entire episode of American Idol because she just really, really liked Sanjay? And remember that one other guy who cried on the season finale of American Idol one year? I don't even watch the show and I know about that.

But for some reason, before I even thought of that show, looking at Kidz Bop Kid made me think of this one kid who was just really overwhelmed at Wrestlemania 7, who you shall see after the jump.

Samsploitation, or: How I Learned To Talk Really Really Loud and Love the Snakes

Back in the day, there were all sorts of fun subgenres that would be categorized with the umbrella of 'exploitation films.' Anybody that's in NYC can head to St. Mark's Place for a visit to Kim's Video to check out some of these subgenres: blaxsploitation, chixploitation (with its own subgenre 'women in prison'), hicksploitation, apesploitation, and my personal favorite "[Charles] Bronson Is God."

Now it's beginning to come to my attention that there is a new exploitation subgenre on the rise. In fact, it's been around for years, but I'm going to stick my flag in it and declare its existence: Samsploitation.

Battle for the Cowl: Brando's Pick

This is a big year for Batman (aka best fictional character ever). Most people on the planet know about some movie with the character that came out over the summer, but in addition to that there are some big shakeups going on in the comic book in a story called Batman R.I.P., written by the comic world's own resident acid tripper/former transvestite/general crazy man Grant Morrison. While the R.I.P. doesn't necessarily stand for "Rest In Peace," DC is certainly leading us to believe Bruce Wayne will not be Batman when the story is done after releasing this teaser image for the follow-up arc, titled "Battle for the Cowl:"


First, it seems kinda random and crazy that they added Catwoman to that. Second, I think it would have been crazier to add Two Face (he did defend Gotham during 52), or WAY CRAZIER and put Joker on there.. just for shits and giggs. But regardless, I don't think any of those people are going to end up taking over for Bruce Wayne. There is only one person who makes plenty of sense to me, although I doubt it will actually happen: Martian Manhunter. Why do I think that? Read on, True Believers.

Load the spaceship with rocket fuel! Load it with the Warriors!

Today at work I needed to clear out the ol' noggin with a good laugh. If you ask me and several other people, there are very few things in this world that are more reliable for a laugh than old wrestling promos as done by the Ultimate Warrior. For non-wrestling fans, he's probably the reason you dismiss sports entertainment so easily. For wrestling fans, you know him as the classic figure who says random shit and is now a radical right wing weirdo who says things like "Queering doesn't make the world work."

But again -- there was a time when he would say things that are funny just because he's a lunatic ranting and raving.Video analysis after the jump.

Mormans.. Whoa those mormons!

Mormans are always good for a laugh one way or another. From the stories of my dad just getting home from working night crew with his buddies in the early morning and inviting the door-to-door mormons to watch porn and have a beer with them, to Dan Dieteman's dad's classy Sinatra-esque "Mormons" ditty, to Orgazmo's mormon-turned-superhero Joe Young, it's not hard to find amusement with the topic.

But now I'm finding something that takes the cake. As I type, dear reader, I sit on the subway surrounded by mormons. Not in the sense that I'm on a crowded train and I'm the only one not wearing black dress pants, white dress shirt and a tie, but there is a group of three sitting in a triangle formation communicating with sign language across the train.

Opening the X-Files

It has recently come to my attention that I will be seeing the new X-Files movie when it comes out this weekend. I think the movie looks great and all, but there is a major obstacle I must overcome: I was not a fan of the show. That's right, the resident geek missed out on the X-Files. It looks like a fine program, but DVR didn't exist in the 90's so I never hopped on board.

A Triumphant Return

I've noticed that I've been incredibly delinquent with my blog posting. For a decent stretch, I was posting things pretty consistently, but alas -- it was not to be for long. Not since Easter have I posted anything, and here we are with the 4th of July upon us (aka the funnest holiday ever).

I'm here now to say 'no more!' I've somehow accumulated maybe 200 hits since the last time I logged in here, so that could very well be 200 people who are seeing nothing new. Or it could be one person that has been so anxious to see something new they've logged in approximately 2-3 times every day since my last post. Or I could be completely mistake and people could just be fond of the adorable killer rabbits from Night of the Lepus. Regardless, somebody's been looking at a lot of old news.

It's time for me to do some of this 'time management' that the business-types, like my boss, are always telling me I should get better at. For starters, I got one of these 'Black Jack' telephones. Did you know you can get Internet and electronic mail on your telephone now? Heck, this thing even has an alarm! Of course, it also has a 'to do' list application and one of my list's items has been 'blog' for a couple weeks. Honestly, there hasn't been a lot for me to say lately aside from "I'm so stoked for The Dark Knight" or "I'm sad that the Martian Manhunter is dead," so I decided to take a look at what exactly keeps me so busy from writing here when I am flooded with ideas after the jump.

The Easter from Hell

In the spirit of mocking people who leave generic messages like "Happy Thanksgiving!" with a cute dressed up pilgrim on my MySpace wall, I like to think of ridiculous things to put on people's walls. With the impending Easter coming up and along with it a rash of sparkly bunnies and Zombie Jesus comments getting plastered on MySpace, I spent a good ten minutes racking my brain trying to think of the perfect thing to leave for my dear MySpace friends.

In the process of coming across the perfect accompaniment to my Easter greeting, I came across this fine trailer you will witness after the jump.

The Rule of Threes (with comic book films)

Yesterday Gavin (the person who lives in the other room in my apartment) sent me a message on gChat with a tempting offer -- "Want to watch that really bad Fantastic Four sequel tonight?" Considering there was beer recently brought into the apartment, OF COURSE I wanted to watch a really bad movie! On top of that, I've been attracted to watching awful movies as of late. Some readers may recall that weekend Joel Schumacher still owes me, and just the other night I was starting to watch Blood Simple when the mere sight of Dan Hedaya made me say, "You know what movie I could go for instead? Alien Resurrection." I don't know if maybe I'm suffering from depression, or perhaps I'm feeling anxiety because of the crippling economy that these news anchors told me about, but some voice deep inside of me says, "I know you just bought a copy of Magnolia and all, but wouldn't you much rather reminisce on all those good times you had with Brett Ratner when he mangled the X-Men franchise?"

However, I digress. All of this bad movie watching has made me notice as of late that comic book film franchises tend to follow a rule of threes: First installment -- pretty damn good; second installment -- AMAZING!; third installment -- trainwreck.

Allow me to analyze the examples we've already been provided with, starting with Superman. The first film from the Christopher Reeves era was a wonderful adaptation of the character and the comic. While I generally don't enjoy straight up Superman vs. the bad guys stories, this film has a bit more to it to make the film a fun fantasy romp that successfully makes the character's origin accessible to new audiences, and I'm also fond of watching how Reeves transformed himself between Clark Kent and Superman. Although the increased quality in the second film is debatable, I don't think it is. Simply put -- Zod rules. 'Nuff said, now KNEEL. When we enter the third one, we have a mess of a film where somebody decided it would be a good idea to have Richard Pryor help Robert Vaughn invent Brainiac. They also lifted that idea about stealing penny fractions from bank accounts from a much better film called Office Space.

The next major comic book franchise we had was Batman, and wisely chosen was Tim Burton to helm the first film. While farther off from its source material than most people realize, the first Batman maintains several key elements of the character's core, and there's no way anybody can forget Jack Nicholson's awesome presence as The Joker. Except seriously, why was Vicki Vale allowed in the Batcave? Anyway, the success of that allowed Burton some more freedom to create a much darker toned film with Batman Returns, which is the direction most Batfans would like to see with the character. And then there was Schumacher. Take my word for it, Batman Forever sucks. If you don't believe me, I will once again direct you toward Brando's Lost Weekend to read up on that subject more.

After Joel Schumacher killed comic book movies for the rest of the 90's, Bryan Singer came along to seek sweet, sweet redemption with the X-Men franchise, even if he did start the subtrend of comic book films with questionable female casting (Halle Berry in this case, which has continued with Kirsten Dunst, Katie Holmes, and it appears Gwyneth Paltrow). Again, X-Men wasn't the greatest film ever, but it was a lot of fun and its success treated us to a bigger, better film with X2. It was evident that Singer was trying to carefully plot an arc stretching across several films with plenty of nice set-ups and winks in this film. And who didn't freak out with the obvious allusion to the Phoenix at the end? Of course, Brett Ratner came along and while he at least didn't Schumacher all over Patrick Stewart's scalp, he committed the atrocity of cramming too much into one film with a hearty side of arbitrarily introducing characters.. just because. Was Angel really pivotal to those two scenes he was in? And while I get a good laugh out of the videos online as much as anyone else, but did Vinnie Jones really need to declare that he was the Juggernaut, bitch?

But no film committed the heinous act of two-films-in-one as badly as Spiderman 3. Oh, Sam Raimi, where are your morals? The scope and sheer wonder of the first Spiderman completely captured my imagination, and while it isn't "the film" that made me do so, it was an important catalyst in making me decide I wanted to enter the film industry. And you made Spiderman 2 so much better! You did such a great job of capturing the struggle that a masked vigilante must endure when trying to be a hero and living their own life. Nobody had done so well with it, and they still haven't touched it since. But the third? Far too much was attempted at once. It felt like some black suit, Venom, and Sandman stories were taken and thrown into a garbage compacter and then you reached in and found your script. That's really what the film is -- garbage contained to a much smaller space than it should be. All that was accomplished in this film were some cool effects with the Sandman and effectively making James Franco look like some sort of pederast.

At the end of this retrospective, we must think of what the future holds for this cursed Rule of Threes. Christopher Nolan looks to be well on his way to following the same path with his rebooted Batman franchise. It's astounding how well he simultaneous took the character back to its core on screen while helping ease the pain of those dreadful Schumacher versions of the character. The Dark Knight looks to continue on this same path, and the opportunity to see The Joker and Harvey Dent (Batmans two biggest adversaries if you ask me) in top form on the big screen is sure to be a fanboy's -- and a Brando's -- wet dream.

All of this considered it makes me think what Christopher Nolan could do to screw up any Batman film. Not only is he doing great things for the character on the silver screen, but he's Christopher Nolan! He made Memento! And The Prestige!! I asked the same about Sam Raimi, of course, but we all see where that ended up. Would Nolan ditch a character he seems to be so enthusiastic about working with before the third movie? Or do you think he would do something drastic like take his source material from Frank Miller's All-Star Batman & Robin the Boy Wonder (aka The Goddamn Batman)?

I'm also a little curious to see if this works in the opposite direction. For as bad as Rise of the Silver Surfer was, it was still better than its predecessor. I can't deny how cool the Silver Surfer looked. In theory, this is going along with the rule of threes only with diminished quality in its proportions -- part one is really crappy, with part two being slightly less crappy. If they make a third Fantastic Four, can you imagine how epically terrible that would be? It would probably even be subpar to your average made-for-Sci-Fi Channel movie.

And what are your thoughts on the matter? Are you more secure than I am about the direction our comic book properties are headed on screen? Do you think I'm actually suffering some sort of weird mental disorder that makes me more likely to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning rather than The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford when I get home from work tonight?

Just kidding about that last one.. there's a new South Park on tonight. But seriously, let me know your thoughts by leaving a comment or sending me an email -- brandonrohwer@gmail.com

Cartoons in my day...

Remember how easy it was to get a cartoon and, in turn, a toy line based off of your movie back in the 80's? Allow me a moment to reflect on some franchises that did:

• Beetlejuice
• Chuck Norris
• Ed Grimley
• Hulk Hogan
• Little Shop of Horrors
• Planet of the Apes
• Rambo
• Robocop
• Teen Wolf
• Toxic Avengers

Who on this planet said, "You know that guy with the triangle that Martin Short plays on SNL and SCTV? Wouldn't that make a great cartoon?" Part of me believes that Seth Brundle aka Brundlefly (the lead character from Cronenberg's The Fly) was programming Saturday mornings for my generation. After all, he did say that his life story would make "a phenomenal children's book." Either that or there were way more drugs around in the Eighties than I was ever led to believe.

Regardless of who it was, what happened to the children's entertainment guru who decided an X-rated film like Robocop and a crazed Vietnam vet would make wonderful cartoons/toylines? Probably fired, because if they were still in business I'm sure our Saturday mornings would be graced with such out of place entries as The Matrix, Jason Bourne, and even Darkman if you want to go back a few years further.

If you are reading this now, drugged-out-children's-programmer or Brundlefly, I have a few things that would be great to see on the screen. As much as I'd like to be hired as a writer on each of these ideas, I think I would be happy enough to see some favorite franchises of mine grace the screen for the younger generations.

There Will Be.. Learning! This probably makes more sense than any of the other ideas. You may not believe that a belligerent old coot like Daniel Plainview would be appropriate for children's programming, but if you've seen There Will Be Blood, you know that Daniel Plainview has a particular fondness for children. As he so eloquently put it, children mean schools. Schools mean education. It only makes sense to put Daniel Plainview in his own Mr. Wizard-style series.

The Adventures of El Mariachi and the Blind Gunman I'm pretty sure this could actually have happened if Robert Rodriguez made his Mariachi Trilogy ten years earlier. Couldn't you picture El and Agent Sands traveling from one impoverished town to another in Mexico saving the poor citizens from the Big Bad? Seems kind of like an A-Team style story to me.

Quantum Leap: The Animated Series This doesn't really fit into the "inappropriate cartoon adaptation" category. I would just be really happy if Quantum Leap came back somehow. If it did.... oh boy.

Trapped in the Classroom (with Lil' R. Kelly & Pals) A lot of people who look into Trapped in the Closet more than they should (such as myself) say that the epic hip-hopera is a morality play of sorts. And if there's one thing we need to teach our children about, it's good morals. In my time, we learned our morals from an episode of Full House, but I think I would have listened a little bit more if our morality plays had some soul to them. Turning characters such as Sylvester, Chuck, Rufus, Gwendolyn, Twan, Pimp Luscious, Bridget, The Ghost of Christmas Past, and Big Man (especially Big Man) into tykes in a classroom would translate pretty well. Think of some sort of twisted version of Muppet Babies, but with singing the whole time and Rosie the Nosy Neighbor as Nanny. And a lot of the storylines could switch over easily as well. For example, instead of seeing the consequences of cheating on your spouse getting you the p-p-p-package or something to that effect, you would learn about the consequences of cheating on a test.

If you are reading this, Mr. Brundlefly, please go back to your post at Kids WB. Take heed of my words and make some quality children's programming again. For all I care, you could make Takashi Miike films into a cartoon. I beg you of this, because I know that when I bring children into this world, I would much rather sit them in front of something like Ichi and the Yakuza Squad rather instead of something that will forever ruin their attention spans like Johnny Test.

Those crappy Batman movies

For Christmas I had the wonderful fortune of being given some Amazon gift certificates by my parents. I put them to good use and bought several things I've needed for sometime DVD-wise, like the Planet of the Apes 35th Anniversary Edition and the Joe Schmo Show. I also at long last purchased The Batman Anthology.

Since my work schedule has calmed down immensely since the aftermath of Sundance and a couple other projects which shall go unnamed, I've cherished my freer weekends as of late to watch some of these new films I've purchased recently. Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment and just don't realize it, but I decided to put off doing taxes once again in favor of a double feature of Batman Forever and Batman & Robin. The lesser of the two evils? Hmm, good question.

Originally, I had planned to begin a series of blog entries entitled "WHY!?", where I would watch bad movies such as these and catalog each fault that made me yell out "WHY!?!?" Unfortunately, I couldn't keep doing this after fifteen minutes of Forever. It just got too damn exhausting.

For quite some time now, I've been telling people that Forever is inferior to Robin to which they promptly reply "Batman Forever wasn't THAT bad!" Now that I've rewatched them both back-to-back, it's definitely that bad. In fact, I may say Batman & Robin has even grown on me a little bit. Yes, it's still pretty horrendous, but let's take a look at what each of the Schumacher Batman films has offer.

Forever has two villains trying to act like Jack Nicholson's Joker. The weird thing is that neither The Riddler nor Two Face (especially not Two Face) should act like the Joker. Tommy Lee Jones' Two Face is just downright awful for this reason. Val Kilmer looks incredibly uncomfortable through the whole film; poor Val is completely clueless as to what's going on the whole time. So am I thanks to all of the movie-style bullshit science of brainwaves throughout the whole film. And please don't forget that Val Kilmer -- NOT George Clooney like most people cite -- was the first to don the nippled Batsuit. Basically, aside from the soundtrack, the only thing good about this film is watching Nicole Kidman inexplicably joygasm every time she looks at Batman.

As for Batman & Robin, I would say its biggest crime is the treatment of Bane, who is far from the hired muscle role he plays here. If they wanted a random brainless goon, why use Bane, who is actually intelligent and educated? If the filmmakers were to have taken a look at some Batman books instead of just talk to the children in their family about who they'd want to see in a Batman movie, they could have discovered a perfect candidate in Solomon Grundy. But on the upside, at least Robin does a decent job of feigning depth in the plot. I like that Paul Dini's tragic villain-style origin story from Batman: The Animated Series was incorporated for him here. I also like the themes of family within Wayne Manor, as many times Batman stories are a family affair (especially most recently in the comics continuity with Grant Morrison bringing Bruce Wayne's son Damien into play). Of course, that storyline is forced and as cheesy as the rest of Joel Schumacher's run on Batman.

And as for the performances, Uma Thurman's pretty damn good at over the top, and she takes ridiculous dialog and makes it work. Come on, we've all seen Kill Bill. I love Kill Bill, but most of those words probably wouldn't fly if they came out of some other actress's mouth. George Clooney is a far better Bruce Wayne and even a better Batman than Val Kilmer because he at least fits in with the rest of the film. Sure, Val had the whole 'dark and brooding' thing down in a way, but it didn't work in Forever because (1) he was the only one that wasn't goofy for the duration and it was just awkward, and (2) he didn't emote one bit.

But I digress. I tire of defending a crappy movie against a crappier movie. The point I'm really trying to make here is that Batman Forever is the worst of the bunch by far, so before you try and tell me otherwise again just think back to how old you were the last time you watched it, because you were probably just old enough when you saw Batman and Robin to realize its faults. But when it comes to the previous film, who didn't love Jim Carrey in 1995?

Jukebox Hero

When I make my weekend travels, I enjoy going to bars specifically that have internet jukebox. In the event I find one, I usually like to play the types of songs that would normally clear the place because I just get a kick out of it. Frequently, my playlists include "Batdance" by Prince, "Sister Christian" by Night Ranger, "Dream Warriors" by Dokken, and "Batdance" another time or two.

Last night in a midtown bar, I experienced a travesty that I have not incurred since Gavin and I performed "Batdance" at karaoke. In the midst of a playlist that included Squeeze's "Up the Junction" (just because I like it) and the "Last Caress" by The Misfits (just because it makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside), I had my coup de gras on deck --"The Flame" by Cheap Trick aka the Ultimate Power Ballad.

People seemed to be enjoying "The Flame." I mean, why not? It's the Ultimate Power Ballad. One dude was trying to sing along. Young Elvis Mitchell (not Elvis Mitchell himself, but a guy who looked like a young version of him) was using the tremendous mood-setting music to hit on some other dude's girlfriend. Like I said, this is the Ultimate Power Ballad. Everytime I hear it, it makes me think of Desmond and Penny on Lost, because that's greatest love story of our time.

But the bartender apparently had something against this. Maybe he's friends with the guy who's dating that chick Young Elvis Mitchell was hitting on. Or perhaps the man just can't appreciate a good slow jam. I don't know. Whatever the reason, he was driven to shut the song off halfway through. Bastard.

At least the song he put on instead was "Thriller".