Remember how easy it was to get a cartoon and, in turn, a toy line based off of your movie back in the 80's? Allow me a moment to reflect on some franchises that did:
- Beetlejuice
- Chuck Norris
- Ed Grimley
- Hulk Hogan
- Little Shop of Horrors
- Planet of the Apes
- Rambo
- Robocop
- Teen Wolf
- Toxic Avengers
Who on this planet said, "You know that guy with the triangle that Martin Short plays on SNL and SCTV? Wouldn't that make a great cartoon?" Part of me believes that Seth Brundle aka Brundlefly (the lead character from Cronenberg's
The Fly) was programming Saturday mornings for my generation. After all, he did say that his life story would make "a phenomenal children's book." Either that or there were way more drugs around in the Eighties than I was ever led to believe.
Regardless of who it was, what happened to the children's entertainment guru who decided an X-rated film like
Robocop and a crazed Vietnam vet would make wonderful cartoons/toylines? Probably fired, because if they were still in business I'm sure our Saturday mornings would be graced with such out of place entries as
The Matrix, Jason Bourne, and even
Darkman if you want to go back a few years further.
If you are reading this now, drugged-out-children's-programmer or Brundlefly, I have a few things that would be great to see on the screen. As much as I'd like to be hired as a writer on each of these ideas, I think I would be happy enough to see some favorite franchises of mine grace the screen for the younger generations.
There Will Be.. Learning! This probably makes more sense than any of the other ideas. You may not believe that a belligerent old coot like Daniel Plainview would be appropriate for children's programming, but if you've seen
There Will Be Blood, you know that Daniel Plainview has a particular fondness for children. As he so eloquently put it, children mean schools. Schools mean education. It only makes sense to put Daniel Plainview in his own Mr. Wizard-style series.
The Adventures of El Mariachi and the Blind Gunman I'm pretty sure this could actually have happened if Robert Rodriguez made his Mariachi Trilogy ten years earlier. Couldn't you picture El and Agent Sands traveling from one impoverished town to another in Mexico saving the poor citizens from the Big Bad? Seems kind of like an A-Team style story to me.
Quantum Leap: The Animated Series This doesn't really fit into the "inappropriate cartoon
adaptation" category. I would just be really happy if
Quantum Leap came back somehow. If it did.... oh boy.
Trapped in the Classroom (with Lil' R. Kelly & Pals) A lot of people who look into
Trapped in the Closet more than they should (such as myself) say that the epic hip-hopera is a morality play of sorts. And if there's one thing we need to teach our children about, it's good morals. In my time, we learned our morals from an episode of
Full House, but I think I would have listened a little bit more if our morality plays had some soul to them. Turning characters such as Sylvester, Chuck, Rufus, Gwendolyn, Twan, Pimp Luscious, Bridget, The Ghost of Christmas Past, and Big Man (especially Big Man) into tykes in a classroom would translate pretty well. Think of some sort of twisted version of Muppet Babies, but with singing the whole time and Rosie the Nosy Neighbor as Nanny. And a lot of the storylines could switch over easily as well. For example, instead of seeing the consequences of cheating on your spouse getting you the p-p-p-package or something to that effect, you would learn about the consequences of cheating on a test.
If you are reading this, Mr. Brundlefly, please go back to your post at Kids WB. Take heed of my words and make some quality children's programming again. For all I care, you could make Takashi Miike films into a cartoon. I beg you of this, because I know that when I bring children into this world, I would much rather sit them in front of something like
Ichi and the Yakuza Squad rather instead of something that will forever ruin their attention spans like
Johnny Test.
