The Stupidest Movies of 2011

This was my snap review of Robots! in 3D.

Since I don't get paid to write about movies like many of the people I associate with, I have absolutely no obligation to see every film that comes out which allows me to curate my moviegoing decisions pretty well. Still, something will often slip through the cracks or my morbid curiosity will get the better of me so I always have a solid list of stinkers each year. Here are the movies that insulted my intelligence the most in 2011, presented in alphabetical odor order.

The Adjustment Bureau - Though this had a mildly interesting premise and a decent cast, the execution was pretty doofy. Look, I like plenty of movies with odder things than hats that give people special access to portalways (Scott Pilgrim, anyone?), but when this is explained with oodles of dialogue among some of the most didactic storytelling since Full House, I won't buy it.

Battle: Los Angeles - This is the blandest movie I've seen in quite some time. There's nothing particularly enthralling about the battle depicted through the film, and all of the characters are stock archetypes from other war films. You know what would have made me invested in their fate? If they were all played by rappers or wrestlers, because at least then I could say things like "No! This was Chris Jericho's last tour of duty before getting home to his family why did he have to die!" or "Damn, who knew Gucci Mane would be such a good sniper!"

Sucker Punch - It's just like a Quentin Tarantino movie for people that hate movies, because it pulls from a mishmash of cultural influences but, unlike QT, has no respect for the storytelling medium. Everything here is based on the premise of "this-plus-that would be cool, brah," but the crossovers never quite congeal and the stakes are low, since everything occurs in the fantasy-in-another-fantasy world of Baby Cakes, or whatever the main character's name is. And are we actually supposed to buy the women's empowerment angle that kept being thrust upon us when this came out? Because it seemed to me that all of the women were pretty oppressed throughout, even in their fantasy world.

The Thing - I’m not one to necessarily judge a remake, prequel, or (in this case) a premaquel right out of the gate. For example, I thought Fright Night was a fun (though unnecessary) trip to the cinema. But not only does this follow most of the same beats the original had, but it does so with no soul. The only two times this film got any type of reactions from me are when Mary Elizabeth Winstead reiterates Kurt Russell’s speech from the original around the fire, and when they enter the alien ship (both reactions were groans).

Transformers: Dark of the Moon - For what it is, I like the first Transformers. It’s a big dumb action movie with a lot of property damage, and that’s all it really takes for an entertaining film. Unfortunately, the series evolved to just dumb movie here. There’s too much goofy ‘comic’ relief with the likes of Ken Jeong and John Malkovich, a silly heel turn from Dr. McDreamy, and a case of “let’s put glasses on this hot chick to make her seem smart” syndrome from Not Megan Fox’s character. However, I will say that replacing Megan Fox with Buzz Aldrin is a step up.

Honorary mention: Limitless - This flick thinks its much smarter than it is, because it’s not very bright, but it was saved from being included by having unintentionally hilarious sequences to provide large amounts of entertainment value. I urge you to watch this for yourself if you have a strange affection for terrible films like I do, so I don’t want to say too much. Just keep an eye out for the thing Abbie Cornish does at the ice skating rink, and then DeNiro’s crazy monologue toward the end.