Cartoons in my day...

Remember how easy it was to get a cartoon and, in turn, a toy line based off of your movie back in the 80's? Allow me a moment to reflect on some franchises that did:

• Beetlejuice
• Chuck Norris
• Ed Grimley
• Hulk Hogan
• Little Shop of Horrors
• Planet of the Apes
• Rambo
• Robocop
• Teen Wolf
• Toxic Avengers

Who on this planet said, "You know that guy with the triangle that Martin Short plays on SNL and SCTV? Wouldn't that make a great cartoon?" Part of me believes that Seth Brundle aka Brundlefly (the lead character from Cronenberg's The Fly) was programming Saturday mornings for my generation. After all, he did say that his life story would make "a phenomenal children's book." Either that or there were way more drugs around in the Eighties than I was ever led to believe.

Regardless of who it was, what happened to the children's entertainment guru who decided an X-rated film like Robocop and a crazed Vietnam vet would make wonderful cartoons/toylines? Probably fired, because if they were still in business I'm sure our Saturday mornings would be graced with such out of place entries as The Matrix, Jason Bourne, and even Darkman if you want to go back a few years further.

If you are reading this now, drugged-out-children's-programmer or Brundlefly, I have a few things that would be great to see on the screen. As much as I'd like to be hired as a writer on each of these ideas, I think I would be happy enough to see some favorite franchises of mine grace the screen for the younger generations.

There Will Be.. Learning! This probably makes more sense than any of the other ideas. You may not believe that a belligerent old coot like Daniel Plainview would be appropriate for children's programming, but if you've seen There Will Be Blood, you know that Daniel Plainview has a particular fondness for children. As he so eloquently put it, children mean schools. Schools mean education. It only makes sense to put Daniel Plainview in his own Mr. Wizard-style series.

The Adventures of El Mariachi and the Blind Gunman I'm pretty sure this could actually have happened if Robert Rodriguez made his Mariachi Trilogy ten years earlier. Couldn't you picture El and Agent Sands traveling from one impoverished town to another in Mexico saving the poor citizens from the Big Bad? Seems kind of like an A-Team style story to me.

Quantum Leap: The Animated Series This doesn't really fit into the "inappropriate cartoon adaptation" category. I would just be really happy if Quantum Leap came back somehow. If it did.... oh boy.

Trapped in the Classroom (with Lil' R. Kelly & Pals) A lot of people who look into Trapped in the Closet more than they should (such as myself) say that the epic hip-hopera is a morality play of sorts. And if there's one thing we need to teach our children about, it's good morals. In my time, we learned our morals from an episode of Full House, but I think I would have listened a little bit more if our morality plays had some soul to them. Turning characters such as Sylvester, Chuck, Rufus, Gwendolyn, Twan, Pimp Luscious, Bridget, The Ghost of Christmas Past, and Big Man (especially Big Man) into tykes in a classroom would translate pretty well. Think of some sort of twisted version of Muppet Babies, but with singing the whole time and Rosie the Nosy Neighbor as Nanny. And a lot of the storylines could switch over easily as well. For example, instead of seeing the consequences of cheating on your spouse getting you the p-p-p-package or something to that effect, you would learn about the consequences of cheating on a test.

If you are reading this, Mr. Brundlefly, please go back to your post at Kids WB. Take heed of my words and make some quality children's programming again. For all I care, you could make Takashi Miike films into a cartoon. I beg you of this, because I know that when I bring children into this world, I would much rather sit them in front of something like Ichi and the Yakuza Squad rather instead of something that will forever ruin their attention spans like Johnny Test.

Those crappy Batman movies

For Christmas I had the wonderful fortune of being given some Amazon gift certificates by my parents. I put them to good use and bought several things I've needed for sometime DVD-wise, like the Planet of the Apes 35th Anniversary Edition and the Joe Schmo Show. I also at long last purchased The Batman Anthology.

Since my work schedule has calmed down immensely since the aftermath of Sundance and a couple other projects which shall go unnamed, I've cherished my freer weekends as of late to watch some of these new films I've purchased recently. Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment and just don't realize it, but I decided to put off doing taxes once again in favor of a double feature of Batman Forever and Batman & Robin. The lesser of the two evils? Hmm, good question.

Originally, I had planned to begin a series of blog entries entitled "WHY!?", where I would watch bad movies such as these and catalog each fault that made me yell out "WHY!?!?" Unfortunately, I couldn't keep doing this after fifteen minutes of Forever. It just got too damn exhausting.

For quite some time now, I've been telling people that Forever is inferior to Robin to which they promptly reply "Batman Forever wasn't THAT bad!" Now that I've rewatched them both back-to-back, it's definitely that bad. In fact, I may say Batman & Robin has even grown on me a little bit. Yes, it's still pretty horrendous, but let's take a look at what each of the Schumacher Batman films has offer.

Forever has two villains trying to act like Jack Nicholson's Joker. The weird thing is that neither The Riddler nor Two Face (especially not Two Face) should act like the Joker. Tommy Lee Jones' Two Face is just downright awful for this reason. Val Kilmer looks incredibly uncomfortable through the whole film; poor Val is completely clueless as to what's going on the whole time. So am I thanks to all of the movie-style bullshit science of brainwaves throughout the whole film. And please don't forget that Val Kilmer -- NOT George Clooney like most people cite -- was the first to don the nippled Batsuit. Basically, aside from the soundtrack, the only thing good about this film is watching Nicole Kidman inexplicably joygasm every time she looks at Batman.

As for Batman & Robin, I would say its biggest crime is the treatment of Bane, who is far from the hired muscle role he plays here. If they wanted a random brainless goon, why use Bane, who is actually intelligent and educated? If the filmmakers were to have taken a look at some Batman books instead of just talk to the children in their family about who they'd want to see in a Batman movie, they could have discovered a perfect candidate in Solomon Grundy. But on the upside, at least Robin does a decent job of feigning depth in the plot. I like that Paul Dini's tragic villain-style origin story from Batman: The Animated Series was incorporated for him here. I also like the themes of family within Wayne Manor, as many times Batman stories are a family affair (especially most recently in the comics continuity with Grant Morrison bringing Bruce Wayne's son Damien into play). Of course, that storyline is forced and as cheesy as the rest of Joel Schumacher's run on Batman.

And as for the performances, Uma Thurman's pretty damn good at over the top, and she takes ridiculous dialog and makes it work. Come on, we've all seen Kill Bill. I love Kill Bill, but most of those words probably wouldn't fly if they came out of some other actress's mouth. George Clooney is a far better Bruce Wayne and even a better Batman than Val Kilmer because he at least fits in with the rest of the film. Sure, Val had the whole 'dark and brooding' thing down in a way, but it didn't work in Forever because (1) he was the only one that wasn't goofy for the duration and it was just awkward, and (2) he didn't emote one bit.

But I digress. I tire of defending a crappy movie against a crappier movie. The point I'm really trying to make here is that Batman Forever is the worst of the bunch by far, so before you try and tell me otherwise again just think back to how old you were the last time you watched it, because you were probably just old enough when you saw Batman and Robin to realize its faults. But when it comes to the previous film, who didn't love Jim Carrey in 1995?

Jukebox Hero

When I make my weekend travels, I enjoy going to bars specifically that have internet jukebox. In the event I find one, I usually like to play the types of songs that would normally clear the place because I just get a kick out of it. Frequently, my playlists include "Batdance" by Prince, "Sister Christian" by Night Ranger, "Dream Warriors" by Dokken, and "Batdance" another time or two.

Last night in a midtown bar, I experienced a travesty that I have not incurred since Gavin and I performed "Batdance" at karaoke. In the midst of a playlist that included Squeeze's "Up the Junction" (just because I like it) and the "Last Caress" by The Misfits (just because it makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside), I had my coup de gras on deck --"The Flame" by Cheap Trick aka the Ultimate Power Ballad.

People seemed to be enjoying "The Flame." I mean, why not? It's the Ultimate Power Ballad. One dude was trying to sing along. Young Elvis Mitchell (not Elvis Mitchell himself, but a guy who looked like a young version of him) was using the tremendous mood-setting music to hit on some other dude's girlfriend. Like I said, this is the Ultimate Power Ballad. Everytime I hear it, it makes me think of Desmond and Penny on Lost, because that's greatest love story of our time.

But the bartender apparently had something against this. Maybe he's friends with the guy who's dating that chick Young Elvis Mitchell was hitting on. Or perhaps the man just can't appreciate a good slow jam. I don't know. Whatever the reason, he was driven to shut the song off halfway through. Bastard.

At least the song he put on instead was "Thriller".

Civil War Beard

Today I saw a ferocious Civil War Beard. Not only did this guy have a Civil War Beard, but he had a goatee, too. Those of you familiar with the concept of a CWB are probably thinking, "Wait.. that's impossible!" Nope.

This guy's Civil War Beard cut up across his cheeks, instead of at the jowels like your run of the mill CWB. This allowed him to have some extra room to spare on his face to grow the goatee.

In addition, he had bright red hair. As a result, he wasn't just any Civil War lookin' guy, but he was a pissed off drunken Irish Civil War guy who had a goatee along with his traditional beard. With these powers combined, I saw a pretty original Civil War Beard today across the street from good ol' Joe's Pizza.

Post party note

Big thanks to everyone who came to the party last night. It was quite a success, as just about everything was eaten which means my father will have the good fortune of not being forced to eat beef sandwiches for the next three weeks.

So I think about three people walked into the door, and Andy put an end to his mortal enemy at last.

A lot of people assumed it was a graduation party, but it really wasn't. That's cool though, because I got some cards. I got a particularly lovely card from my grandmother congratulating me on graduating... but from high school, not grad school. There was twenty bucks in it, so that's cool anyway.

New York F'n City

Today I saw the following:

-a fake mustache on a street sign pole
-Hot Fuzz
-some heroes of mine aka Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, and Edgar Wright